Hey, do you remember something called Deflategate?

It wasn’t really that big of a deal. Maybe it got a little coverage somewhere. Like India. Or Pakistan.

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Whatever, you probably don’t remember. But if you do, the key point of the idiots was that the number of fumbles by the Patriots the previous 8 seasons was so statistically unlikely, they must have been cheating. Regressing had a great rebuttal to the statistical bullshit that was spewed, but that didn’t stop most idiots from regurgitating those stupid numbers.

So a season has passed, so I was curious to see is New England had returned to the middle of the pack when it comes to fumbles. Guess what? They didn’t.

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According to NFL.com, the Patriots had the third fewest total fumbles in the league, with 14 (Ravens had 13, the Panthers had 12).That’s one more total fumbles than 2014.

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Big deal, right? Since Deflategate was about the Patriots fucking with balls at home, their fumbles probably occurred more evenly between home and road, right?

Nope. NFL.com doesn’t helpfully show home/away splits for turnovers, so I had to go to Teamrankings.com. The Pats averaged 1 fumbles per game on the road this season, and 0.7 at home. In 2014, they actually had an even split of 0.8/game on the road and at home. So the Patriots put the ball on the ground less this year at home than in previous years (sure, a grand total of one less fumble, but that’s still less). And that 74 touches per fumble that the Patriots averaged over the previous 8 seasons that was considered by stat “gurus” to be unpossible was right in line with the 75 touches per fumble that the Patriots had this year (touches being a total of pass attempts, rushes and sacks, according to the idiot who thinks his stats had an inherent value).

Obviously there are factors that are behind those numbers, whether weather, players, or the Patriots finding other ways of cheating. But the ridiculous hot takes that were ejected out of the anuses of so many sports writers and others last year is clearly a bunch of horseshit.

I will admit that I am not a fan of the Boston yobs who make up most of the Patriots’ fan base (if you think being a “Southie for Life” is a good thing, I hope your liver disease gets you sooner rather than later). But there is a part of me that is praying to the mighty Flying Spaghetti Monster in the Sky that the Pats win the Super Bowl and Goodell and the other nincompoops at the NFL are forced to talk about how the Patriots are the best team in the league. All why Bill Bellichek stands there with another black eye, suppressing a smile and Bob Kraft gives Goodell the finger.